ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
