I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
