If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
