You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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