then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
