I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
