I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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