my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
