I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
