you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
