My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
