i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
