Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
