u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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