my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
