I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
