foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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