in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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