I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
