the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
