Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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