You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You are a genius and a whore.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
