I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
