Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
