why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
