So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
