if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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