Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
