i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
