took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
