He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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