I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
