this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
