I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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