The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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