Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
