just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
