i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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