Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
