How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
A+ Viking dick
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