i would punch a child for taco bell
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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