Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
