dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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