They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
either way he was missing a nipple.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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