Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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