Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If I die, sorry about rent.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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