If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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