i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
