I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
