Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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