This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
