What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
