I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
