someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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