just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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