Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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