We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
