I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
