You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
