I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
