The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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