he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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