i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
